Huaisang clutches tight to his fan, brow furrowed with misery. This has all gone so poorly, and the balance between pacifying and honesty isn't working out for him. He keeps his mouth shut as he listens, throat bobbing and lips quivering with the threat of impending tears. "Wei-xiong," he says, weakly. He swallows heavily, licks his lips, tries again. "Wei-xiong, I'm trying to tell you how I feel. I don't want to debate with you. I know I'll lose. Please don't... please don't debate my feelings."
Sniffling once, Huaisang takes a shaky breath, trying valiantly to hold back tears. "This isn't about the reasons. I'm in no place to offer judgement or forgiveness for either of you. Being able to torture someone to death for whatever reason, however valid, is terrifying. If I..." He swallows again. Shaking badly, he just goes ahead and drops to his knees where he's standing, because he feels like he's going to collapse. He still will not meet his friend's eyes. "If I..." He knows he can't say this without revealing at least some of his hand. Wuxian comes from earlier. He's only just begun solving the puzzle. Huaisang would prefer to let him solve it himself, sot hat Huaisang can stay hidden in the shadows, but this place has already forced Huaisang into greater boldness. He's not going to put great effort into protecting the very secrets he wants Wuxian to discover. "If I had my brother's murderer in a cell of the Nie dungeons... yes. I think I would torture him to death. Perhaps over the course of years. That terrifies me, too. To know myself capable of such a thing."
Sighing, Wuxian drops to his knees and reaches out his hands to rest on Huaisang's shoulders. A lot of people hate him now. A lot of people fear him now. In the city, he got a second chance, but everybody who had mattered to him is now dead or holds some kind of negative feeling toward him, be it terror or rage. When he saved the Wens, he'd foolishly thought he'd eventually be allowed peace, but that was foolish optimism.
That's why Lan Zhan's feelings mean so much. He alone seems to understand the heart that was behind it all.
But Huaisang still speaks with him. That's more than some. Wuxian will need to absorb the blow and accept things as they are. Huaisang is afraid of him. Probably, he won't always be. Also, even more probable, he's probably not scared of him more than he is scared of him. He'd come to his apartment today.
The same is true for Xue Yang, Wuxian supposes, but he'd come here to explain because he doesn't want that relationship to interfere with their friendship. It's not as if he couldn't have said it wasn't any of his business and shrugged him off. If anything, Huaisang has more power in this city. Even now, while saying he's terrified, he seems more terrified of Wuxian not understanding.
Wuxian doesn't understand. Even now, he doesn't see himself the same way he sees Xue Yang. That said, he isn't going to hate his friend for that choice. Huaisang isn't going to encourage the man to murder.
While not missing the comment about his brother, Wuxian doesn't think now is the time to explore that line of questioning. Instead, he smiles.
"It's okay, it's okay. Come on, stand up. We both might have things to pray about, but our ancestors wouldn't want to hear from us from here."
Shifting his hold, Wuxian puts an arm around Huaisang's shoulders to help him up.
Huaisang lets himself be coaxed to his feet. He hugs his arms around Wuxian's waist once they're both up, tucking his head against his friend's shoulder. "Please don't be angry with me, Wei-xiong."
He still regrets the entire topic. For Huaisang, love and fear are not exclusive things, but he doesn't know how to explain that. He has never feared anyone more than Mingjue, especially as the leash on his brother's temper became more tenuous, but he has never loved anyone as fiercely.
His relationship with Wuxian is something else, something alike only to itself, and his relationship with Xue Yang also. It's too new for him to be certain of anything but that Xue Yang charmed him and showed him more than enough sweetness to ensure that Huaisang craved his company.
Likely, that's where their disconnect comes from. Wuxian isn't afraid of much, and when he is, it's because it will bring him pain he isn't sure how to handle. The dogs that chased him as a small child are seen as monsters who would tear him to bits, and losing the people he loves is a blow he recovers from slowly, if he recovers from at all. Even death was something he'd welcomed when it came.
Perhaps Yu Ziyuan counts in that he feared her, but he didn't hate her. However, he also knew she would hurt him given the chance. Not that he blames her for the whipping, but.
"What kind of decision would that be?"
Wuxian offers a pat on the back. He really didn't want to make Huasaing sad. Likewise, he knows his friend hadn't meant it as an attack when he admitted his fear. It's painful, but that hadn't been Huasaing's intention. That helps.
"I still question your taste in men, but I won't be angry as long as you don't let yourself be corrupted."
He won't. Wuxian believes in him which is why he's more worried for Huaisang than about Huaisang.
"Be sure to remind him that a mark or collar won't be enough to assure I get revenge if he does something wrong."
Submissive or no, rules are more like suggestions to Wuxian.
"I know. I think he knows but I'll warn him anyway." Huaisang lifts his head with a shy grin, hopeful that they're back on the same page again and that Wuxian really isn't angry at him. "Also you might have to be more specific about me being corrupted, because I'm already very kinky."
Kissing his friend's cheek, he pulls away. "Are you allowed in the Up if you're escorted? I'll take you for drinks."
"Don't call me Perverted Cultivator! Find a better word. Hedonist Cultivator. Libertine Cultivator. Refined and Experienced Cultivator of Exceptional Taste." Huaisang takes his hand, tugging at him. "Are you ready? Let's go. We can get a drink, then go shopping, then get more drinks, then go back to my place and make out."
They are here together, and it has been years since Huaisang has had the opportunity to have fun with his friend. He's not missing the opportunity now.
When Huaisang begins to pull, Wuxian goes along, his teasing and singsong voice coming out with a hint of a laughter undertone. It sounds like a fun day.
Though, at the end, Wuxian stops, his smile dropping.
"Wait."
He urges Huaisang to face him, his smile trying to soften what he says because Wuxian worries it will be taken as a punishment instead of a sincere desire to see his friend make the best decision.
"I had a lot of fun when we kissed." That's very true. Huaisang is an unfairly skilled kisser. "But we probably shouldn't do it against until you see there's nothing in me that you should be afraid of."
Reaching out, he strokes a hand through Huaisang's long, silky hair. It's not that he doesn't want to kiss him, but it's dangerous if his friend keeps kissing men that scare him. Beyond that, there's a small bit of Wuxian that wonders if Huaisang would feel comfortable pulling away or saying no if he didn't want to kiss. While he likes to think it's obvious he won't force anything on anyone, he also thought it was obvious he was different than Xue Yang.
"I can't tell you not to kiss him, but I want your kisses with me to not hold any fear at all."
Huaisang blinks as his Wuxian stops him. Looking up at his friend, Huaisang studies his eyes in confusion at first, then a fond smile as he continues.
"Wei-xiong," he murmurs, soft and teasing. "That's what I've been trying to say. I think you are a frightening and dangerous person, but I have never in my life been afraid of you. I trust you, and I don't believe you would ever hurt me, not even if you were very angry." Leaning in, Huaisang gives him a soft kiss. "I know he is also a frightening and dangerous person, and I was afraid of him at first because of that. I no longer fear him. If I quarrel with him or no longer wish to have a relationship with him, I'll be very careful, and I'll come to you for help if I feel afraid. But I do not think he will hurt me. I think he likes being sweet to people who are sweet to him. I feel safe with him."
Hugging his arms around Wuxian's neck, Huaisang presses close. "And I feel even safer with my best friend."
"Why am I the weird one when I have friends like this?"
Despite his words, there's a fondness in his voice. Maybe he doesn't understand completely, but it's good to know a man he considers a friend doesn't actually fear him.
Bending lower, Wuxian plants a quick kiss on Huaisang's lips. It's a bit fun to tease his friend.
"For putting me through so much, it's only fair if you buy the very good alcohol."
Reassured, Huaisang smiles back at him. He immediately nods agreement, glad that Wuxian accepts his words, even if they don't fully understand each other. "Of course. I'm gonna spoil you."
Letting go, Huaisang takes his hand again, weaving their fingers together as he heads for the door. His grip is tight. He's a little bit worried that Wuxian might pull away. He's already lost his friend once, and their conversation has left him a little bit rattled because he's worried that he's displeased Wuxian. "Any requests for where we go? We'll find a nice place in the Up. I haven't really found any good wine shops yet, though I did find a liquor store that sells liquor in glass bottles, the finest glass you've ever seen and thick as your thumb, in all different shapes and colors, and yet it's all cheap. It's just the cost of the liquor, and there are so many different kinds, we're going to have to try all of them."
A friendship that shatters after a single disagreement is no real friendship. They may have disagreed, but they'll likely disagree again. That doesn't change their feelings and concern for each other. Even mid 'fight', Wuxian would have defended Huasiang if danger had stuck.
"Have you been to a bar? It's a modern tavern. You can buy all a lot of different kinds of alcohol all in one place. I bet the bars in the up are even better."
"We're gonna find out." Huaisang grins, practically bouncing as they head to the elevator. He's restless as they wait for it, annoyed by the time it takes to arrive, but the other transportation options are slower. Pulling Wuxian inside, he finds a spot along the wall and pulls his friend close, putting Wuxian like a shield between him and the rest of the elevator. Then he nuzzles at Wuxian's shoulder, anxious about the strangers crowding around. "Kiss me some more."
It's going to be a ten minute trip once they get started, after all, and Huaisang has already discovered that the elevator gives him anxiety.
While Huaisang hasn't been a shrinking violet before, the sudden and aggressive pull is a surprise. Wuxian doesn't hesitate, but there's still the question of why the sudden need on an elevator.
After a moment of hesitation, Wuxian smiles and places a quick kiss on Huaisang's lips before pulling back, intentionally keeping it short.
"I know I'm very handsome, but this is very sudden."
"How is this very sudden?" Huaisang blinks up at him, keeping him close and smiling at each of the swift, playful kisses. "We kissed before."
He laughs a little, pleased by Wuxian's teasing. "I liked kissing you. I want to kiss you when we're not locked in a room."
Ducking his eyes shyly and dodging the next kiss, Huaisang reaches for Wuxian's lapels and gives them a shy little tug. "Don't you know I've always had a crush on you?"
"In the room, we did it to allow the door open, and then you only kissed me quickly back in our room. Now that we're in an elevator, we're even more enthusiastic."
Wuxian was prepared to tease Huaisang about enjoying the idea of discovery when he hears the words that shock him. He'd had a crush? As someone prone to flirting and ignoring physical boundaries, it isn't like Wuxian didn't know some people crushed on him, but the idea of his male friends is a new one to him.
"You had a crush on me? It's not that I blame you for good taste, but I didn't know. Why didn't you say anything?"
"I didn't think you were interested. I had a crush on almost everyone when we were studying at Gusu. I couldn't help it when everyone was so attractive and skilled. You most of all. But every time I tried to hint about some guy being attractive, you never seemed to notice. Even for Lan Wangji, and you were obsessed with him."
Smiling at the memory, Huaisang ducks his head, cuddling close to him for safety and pressing his face against Wuxian's shoulder. "I hate this elevator thing."
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darkpath
no subject
Sniffling once, Huaisang takes a shaky breath, trying valiantly to hold back tears. "This isn't about the reasons. I'm in no place to offer judgement or forgiveness for either of you. Being able to torture someone to death for whatever reason, however valid, is terrifying. If I..." He swallows again. Shaking badly, he just goes ahead and drops to his knees where he's standing, because he feels like he's going to collapse. He still will not meet his friend's eyes. "If I..." He knows he can't say this without revealing at least some of his hand. Wuxian comes from earlier. He's only just begun solving the puzzle. Huaisang would prefer to let him solve it himself, sot hat Huaisang can stay hidden in the shadows, but this place has already forced Huaisang into greater boldness. He's not going to put great effort into protecting the very secrets he wants Wuxian to discover. "If I had my brother's murderer in a cell of the Nie dungeons... yes. I think I would torture him to death. Perhaps over the course of years. That terrifies me, too. To know myself capable of such a thing."
no subject
That's why Lan Zhan's feelings mean so much. He alone seems to understand the heart that was behind it all.
But Huaisang still speaks with him. That's more than some. Wuxian will need to absorb the blow and accept things as they are. Huaisang is afraid of him. Probably, he won't always be. Also, even more probable, he's probably not scared of him more than he is scared of him. He'd come to his apartment today.
The same is true for Xue Yang, Wuxian supposes, but he'd come here to explain because he doesn't want that relationship to interfere with their friendship. It's not as if he couldn't have said it wasn't any of his business and shrugged him off. If anything, Huaisang has more power in this city. Even now, while saying he's terrified, he seems more terrified of Wuxian not understanding.
Wuxian doesn't understand. Even now, he doesn't see himself the same way he sees Xue Yang. That said, he isn't going to hate his friend for that choice. Huaisang isn't going to encourage the man to murder.
While not missing the comment about his brother, Wuxian doesn't think now is the time to explore that line of questioning. Instead, he smiles.
"It's okay, it's okay. Come on, stand up. We both might have things to pray about, but our ancestors wouldn't want to hear from us from here."
Shifting his hold, Wuxian puts an arm around Huaisang's shoulders to help him up.
no subject
He still regrets the entire topic. For Huaisang, love and fear are not exclusive things, but he doesn't know how to explain that. He has never feared anyone more than Mingjue, especially as the leash on his brother's temper became more tenuous, but he has never loved anyone as fiercely.
His relationship with Wuxian is something else, something alike only to itself, and his relationship with Xue Yang also. It's too new for him to be certain of anything but that Xue Yang charmed him and showed him more than enough sweetness to ensure that Huaisang craved his company.
no subject
Perhaps Yu Ziyuan counts in that he feared her, but he didn't hate her. However, he also knew she would hurt him given the chance. Not that he blames her for the whipping, but.
"What kind of decision would that be?"
Wuxian offers a pat on the back. He really didn't want to make Huasaing sad. Likewise, he knows his friend hadn't meant it as an attack when he admitted his fear. It's painful, but that hadn't been Huasaing's intention. That helps.
"I still question your taste in men, but I won't be angry as long as you don't let yourself be corrupted."
He won't. Wuxian believes in him which is why he's more worried for Huaisang than about Huaisang.
"Be sure to remind him that a mark or collar won't be enough to assure I get revenge if he does something wrong."
Submissive or no, rules are more like suggestions to Wuxian.
no subject
Kissing his friend's cheek, he pulls away. "Are you allowed in the Up if you're escorted? I'll take you for drinks."
no subject
Wuxian laughs. Things don't have to be perfect between them for things to be good.
"Mhm. That's when we're allowed up. They won't even let us on the elevators with that, even though I was very nice in how I asked."
And sometimes, just tried to sneak on.
"But since you are, we can go."
no subject
They are here together, and it has been years since Huaisang has had the opportunity to have fun with his friend. He's not missing the opportunity now.
no subject
When Huaisang begins to pull, Wuxian goes along, his teasing and singsong voice coming out with a hint of a laughter undertone. It sounds like a fun day.
Though, at the end, Wuxian stops, his smile dropping.
"Wait."
He urges Huaisang to face him, his smile trying to soften what he says because Wuxian worries it will be taken as a punishment instead of a sincere desire to see his friend make the best decision.
"I had a lot of fun when we kissed." That's very true. Huaisang is an unfairly skilled kisser. "But we probably shouldn't do it against until you see there's nothing in me that you should be afraid of."
Reaching out, he strokes a hand through Huaisang's long, silky hair. It's not that he doesn't want to kiss him, but it's dangerous if his friend keeps kissing men that scare him. Beyond that, there's a small bit of Wuxian that wonders if Huaisang would feel comfortable pulling away or saying no if he didn't want to kiss. While he likes to think it's obvious he won't force anything on anyone, he also thought it was obvious he was different than Xue Yang.
"I can't tell you not to kiss him, but I want your kisses with me to not hold any fear at all."
no subject
"Wei-xiong," he murmurs, soft and teasing. "That's what I've been trying to say. I think you are a frightening and dangerous person, but I have never in my life been afraid of you. I trust you, and I don't believe you would ever hurt me, not even if you were very angry." Leaning in, Huaisang gives him a soft kiss. "I know he is also a frightening and dangerous person, and I was afraid of him at first because of that. I no longer fear him. If I quarrel with him or no longer wish to have a relationship with him, I'll be very careful, and I'll come to you for help if I feel afraid. But I do not think he will hurt me. I think he likes being sweet to people who are sweet to him. I feel safe with him."
Hugging his arms around Wuxian's neck, Huaisang presses close. "And I feel even safer with my best friend."
no subject
Despite his words, there's a fondness in his voice. Maybe he doesn't understand completely, but it's good to know a man he considers a friend doesn't actually fear him.
Bending lower, Wuxian plants a quick kiss on Huaisang's lips. It's a bit fun to tease his friend.
"For putting me through so much, it's only fair if you buy the very good alcohol."
no subject
Letting go, Huaisang takes his hand again, weaving their fingers together as he heads for the door. His grip is tight. He's a little bit worried that Wuxian might pull away. He's already lost his friend once, and their conversation has left him a little bit rattled because he's worried that he's displeased Wuxian. "Any requests for where we go? We'll find a nice place in the Up. I haven't really found any good wine shops yet, though I did find a liquor store that sells liquor in glass bottles, the finest glass you've ever seen and thick as your thumb, in all different shapes and colors, and yet it's all cheap. It's just the cost of the liquor, and there are so many different kinds, we're going to have to try all of them."
no subject
"Have you been to a bar? It's a modern tavern. You can buy all a lot of different kinds of alcohol all in one place. I bet the bars in the up are even better."
no subject
It's going to be a ten minute trip once they get started, after all, and Huaisang has already discovered that the elevator gives him anxiety.
no subject
After a moment of hesitation, Wuxian smiles and places a quick kiss on Huaisang's lips before pulling back, intentionally keeping it short.
"I know I'm very handsome, but this is very sudden."
Another one, just as fast.
"If you tell me why, I'll keep kissing you."
no subject
He laughs a little, pleased by Wuxian's teasing. "I liked kissing you. I want to kiss you when we're not locked in a room."
Ducking his eyes shyly and dodging the next kiss, Huaisang reaches for Wuxian's lapels and gives them a shy little tug. "Don't you know I've always had a crush on you?"
no subject
Wuxian was prepared to tease Huaisang about enjoying the idea of discovery when he hears the words that shock him. He'd had a crush? As someone prone to flirting and ignoring physical boundaries, it isn't like Wuxian didn't know some people crushed on him, but the idea of his male friends is a new one to him.
"You had a crush on me? It's not that I blame you for good taste, but I didn't know. Why didn't you say anything?"
no subject
Smiling at the memory, Huaisang ducks his head, cuddling close to him for safety and pressing his face against Wuxian's shoulder. "I hate this elevator thing."